Written 01/18/2023
I feel like im extremely scattered with the energy I use to create. My goal is to achieve true eccentricity, as a person and an artist. I had all these ideas jumping around my head, and I kept getting jolted with excitement for one idea, but then a new one would distract me from the one I started on.
I was watching an advice channel on YouTube, and they were describing "the dumb donkey", which is the scenario that there is this donkey, that is between a tin of water and hay. But it can't decide if it's thirsty or hungry, and it spent so much time thinking, it died. I am most definitely this donkey. I have spent so much time with my donkey brain that I had let my creative outlet shrivel up. I can rarely write or paint or draw in the way I want, and it's led me to believe I am not a true creative.
Most of the things I'm good at, like modeling, styling, designing, and painting are still not up to the standards I hold for myself. I spent too much time floating around and now I'm burned out and sunk into the mud. I have friends tell me very encouraging things about my personality and online presence, but I always think about a person out there that is more interesting than me. If I show myself too much online, and don't get perfect feedback from people I barely know, I feel that it'll destroy me. I'm a very passive person, I'm rarely offended or angry at people, but I'm sure I have a trigger or limit.
I am struggling to decide how much farther I want to go into myself, and understanding things that are way past a standard humans understanding of life, their purpose, and everything in existence. Right now I feel I could be comfortable with who I am now for the rest of my years, but I still think of what's past I already know. Anything past where I am now will involve some psychedelics, and after that there is really no way to go back to who I am now. how far do I think is worth going?
