la is weird man...11/09/2023

     its been about 6 months since I've last posted or written anything at all. Too much has happened, I've made new friends and lost very close ones, and I've become much more present with myself and everything around me. 

Oh! I just remembered something you all must know...

I lost my iPhone about 3 ish months ago, and on a whim I decided to downgrade. 

Best. Decision. Evuuuurrr.

    I still have a hard time controlling myself with Youtube Shorts (embarrassingly), but I've been able to move the 5-8 hours of screen time over to drums, cleaning my room/house, cooking full meals, reading books, gardening, and some other things too. 

Summary of how I lost it: Malibu beach. In sweatshirt pocket. Goofed around. Hiked back to car. Pocket empty. iPhone Location went boop...boop...then poofed into nothingness. 

    I now have a Jelly 2, which is almost the same size as a business card. I can still download Instagram, Uber, Spotify, anything I want. So it's a challenge to avoid the temptation of downloading when I just wanna lay in bed and say "I'm my period! just for a week!" to justify re-downloading anything

I also get the funniest reactions from people. Starbucks cashiers gawk at how tiny the scan bar is on the app, and coworkers taunt me for how I look on a phone call. But I luv ha and nobody can tear us apart. But her size makes it very easy to lose her, even more so now that I'm not attached to my phone at all. 

  My relationships with my romantic partners and my boyfriend have been going along very well, I've got new tattoos, and also passed my drivers test!

I can't describe what I'm feeling about being able to drive (finally at 19), but I drove here where I am now, at Schatzi's Cafe in Sherman Oaks. Atrocious traffic but I found this very pretty route through the hills! I'm planning to practice a little on the drum set at Guitar Center (they are sick of my ass) and then maybe a library trip. I think I just wanted to get out of the house since I've been cleaning and cleaning and cleaning all the time there. I've also recently recovered from some absolutely wiiiicked food poisoning that had me barfing for a full 24 hours, no solid food for almost 48. I was on the verge of asking for repentance laying in my tiny bed, my hands in prayer over my stomach, but I managed to not lean on God for relief. 

    I think my whole point in the title and opening blogspot was to write some commentary on the current LA culture. I, myself was born and raised in the San Fernando Valley, was given freedom to explore the city at 15, and have seen LA changed so much in such little time. My home with the gold light and crisp wind and beautiful beaches and amazing food has turned into something a bit more bleak and off putting. 

In terms of the art community...after TikTok took over the social media platforms, the art I've been seeing when I'm out and about has changed. Nothing feels original or inspired, I always see the same edgy, digitally created art, made on stickers and ads. I don't see much traditional art, and most of the time...the people who create those things are taking over the other artists who aren't hyper focused on fame. I feel that the driving motivation to create art now is to :

1. go to all the LA parties in the entertainment industry

2. have lots of views/followers

3. get involved with online celebrities.

4. get free stuff

like how fucking lame is that. Am I the lame, old timer boomer bitch? am I the fake one for being all "art is expression and translation and experience"? Like hell I know, but I feel very alone in how I view art. Where's the passion and messy obsession and the sweat and authenticity? I'm still on a crazy bad block, but my desire to grow out of it into something new and stronger excites me every time I think about it. Its hard to get out of this rut without anyone I can call an art twin flame or art soulmate.

This entry is now 1 year old!

I’m about to hit the hay…but I thought I should try writing beforehand. Writing before bed hasn’t stuck yet. I’d really love for it to be an established habit.

It’s been getting rough again lately. I thought I had tomorrow off, but I found out today (by my luck! I’ve been a bad employee lately) that I’ve got a closing shift. I don’t feel time moving as much nowadays.

I’ve agreed to wake up at 6:30 AM to go to a café before my partner has to go to church (yes, I’m dating a guy who goes to church — it’s Montana, what do you expect —  then afterwards I’m meeting a friend at Sidewinders at 11:45 AM. At least I’ll have my breakfast and lunch paid for in one day ;P

Then a wonderful surprise shift at 2…this job at Safeway is getting to be the worst thing ever. I dread walking into that dehumanizing complex and working in a restricted space. If I was jumping around departments I think I could last another couple years with this damn company.

I worry delaying my education at a university is setting me up for a lifetime of dead-end jobs. My boss wears Prada glasses, carries an LV clutch and has a fucking BRONZE Range Rover. Her family gave her 40 acres of land but she turned the offer down (too complicated to explain but I could explain my boss’s lore if you asked). But she is stuck scheduling university students with conflicting classes and serving customers that eat sandwiches straight off the bare fucking tables. But she thinks she keeps her dignity by refusing to wash the dishes. The thought of being in a position like that…shudderssss….

But I only like to do things when they feel right. I don’t feel ready still. I’m mentally and financially preparing for a 50% increase in my rent, and also continuing to save up for a big trip outside the country. I’m not sure if school will come before or after that. I’ve got my eye on a hospitality degree…so perhaps I could study abroad? Not quite sure what my chances are for that. But before ANYTHING!! I must be properly fluent in another language, most likely Spanish since I grew up with a Salvadoran mom.

But during a class last week my teacher made a baffling point as to why I wasn’t progressing as much as I thought I would. She asked if my mom ever graduated high school, and I said she only made it to 8th grade. So essentially I had grown up with a mom who could only speak Spanish at a middle school level of education. I was so stunned, because I blamed myself a lot for how shitty I speak. In the end it was nobody’s fault, and now I feel even more motivated to learn the right way, for the sake of breaking this cycle of illiteracy.

My uncle has been pushing for me to attend flight attendant school; he said I could get a good salary for being bilingual. I could work at a hotel in a beautiful part of Mexico or South America if I can get a grip on myself and stop wasting my precious hours scrolling away online. I’ve been removing social media from my phone and downloading language apps, but I’m still trying to crush the habit of tapping on YouTube or Facebook. I really hate how far I let these assholes rewire my brain to their own selfish benefit. I always think of how much farther ahead in life I would be if I never downloaded Instagram or TikTok. But it is what it is. Es lo que es.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Calling All Radical Lovers

What is mine is yours

All of me loves all of you 

Nobody is more deserving than the other

Drink from my cups, eat from my plate.

Bond and become family

I want there to be more full bellies, happy minds and bodies, names remembered and memories made.

My home is your home

Whenever I have one of my own

2026

 It’s Bella. 

I’m about to head back to LA after my first trip back to Montana after falling out with those girls. Started this trip 11/22/2025 and traveled about 1,700 miles…possibly 27 hours on the road so far…? and still have another 2,000 to go or so. And I looooove my lifestyle at the moment. I could do this for years. I wake up, and stay the hell out of bed !!! A miraculous feat!

Who I am in Los Angeles makes me turn my nose up in slight disgust.

I feel like I’m reuniting with a toxic ex (Los Angeles), waiting until he chews me up and spits me back out.

I’ve lost a lot of faith in myself at this current moment, but have hope I can repair and rebuild. I was just hoping to do that in a more healing and healthy place.

So why the hell am I going back to LA…you would ask…well…

You just got engaged, to an amazing man. 

Now I need to take my husband into account when thinking of my lifetime goals since I have to start from square 1.

I remember, around the same time you met him you were at your lowest low. Beginning of middle school, some new chemicals were flooding through my pubescent brain. Along with generations of trauma and untreated illness. Middle school was about as far as your own mom went, and your academic level nearing the extent of your Dad’s high school education. 

Huge chunks of my life are blacked out. 

But I always had the image of my now husband, walking past the Starbucks right below Portola. As my Dad got his daily coffee, and I got my cup of whip cream to savor, I’d hope I could sneak a peek of someone I felt was special.

Quietly strolling past, head bowed and his face hiding under his hair. My Dad dubbed him “The Flock of Seagulls Boy” after catching me staring at him. For no particular reason, he made my stomach flutter. And then I got in closer proximity to him in high school, since we had both joined the track team.

High school was rough. 

Lots of bathroom breaks to cry, hiding inside sweatshirts in the hallway, and that developed into sticking pins in my hands and burning my arms and legs to manifest the mental pain, physically.

Right now I am dreading going back to the house where lots of unpleasant memories were made. The same way in middle school and early high school, I’d silently cry when I left someplace I felt at peace. Wishing I could spend another hour with a friend or another hour at track practice. Wishing I didn’t have to walk through that damn gate. I am now expecting to spend hours alone in my car shedding tears, expecting my body and brain to shut off once again.

I think what got you through this time and time again, was an alternate persona you kept alive through writing. Who she was and what she did, what she looked like. It gave me hope one day I could be more like her.

And now I realize I imagined who I am today. Plastered in tattoos, working in the sex industry with pride, and traveling as I please. 

Maybe something in my mind will settle if I put into words where I hope to be down the line.

I’m coming back to Quentin in about a week. I don't plan on leaving for another trip until March. So for the next 2 or so months I will be working at the club consistently, managing and documenting my income and prioritizing my savings so by 2027 I will have the funds for a deposit, a couple months of rent, a budget for household necessities, and hopefully a trip to Japan for Quentin’s graduation. Calculating those numbers will be a priority and collaboration with the fiance.

He is planning to attend school during the summer, so I should too. He will graduate Spring 2027, and we hope to move to Montana by Summer 2027.  I will be enrolled in either general credit classes online at SMC or re-enroll for the NREMT. 

I will not owe my Dad anything by 2027. I will not have a credit card bill exceeding 20% of my limit. Besides stripping I will have income from reselling erotica, my personal assistant service, and any other work I can pick up. 

You will earn back the $400 for the meta glasses, the $1,200 for the iPad, and $1000 for the iPhone, before you consider any other large purchases.

I will not touch my hair. I will let it grow until I get to see for the first time in a decade what I look like with completely natural hair. And no more tattoos. No piercings. The only money I should plan to spend is on bare necessities, charity, and future living expenses.

I will be putting in as much effort Quentin does in physical fitness. My priority will be flexibility. I will put more effort into my diet, to not put off meals and drink more water. I wish to regain my muscle definition. No more wake and bakes, no constant huffing on a wax pen. No using liquor to loosen up.

My days start with worship, a meal, Shaolin exercise, and a study session of a language. You don't touch any screens besides your dumb phone unless its to work on writing, studying, editing, or art. Books are your priority. I need to read like my life depends on it.

The mere thought of you

 The flower had thorns the entire time

A hangnail in my mind

The dog shit on the bottom of my boot

The rotten tooth that reeks

You sleep and eat with your tail tucked between your legs

You are nobody’s competition 

No man or woman will ever remember you as their best

I only malfunctioned a handful of times

You, your whole lifetime

How You Make Me Feel

 A rippling cloth of rainbow floats above my face

Fragmented colors, an ebbing glow 

My ribs turn soft, our skin atomizes 

The light behind the door, opens in my sanctuary 

I feel the weight of love in your eyes rest on my skin.

The language of pain is spoken in pockets of time

To witness the kaleidoscope spin with you is my purpose  

My love  

What I feel for you will be inside me, like a jar of honey. 

Whats in my bag

Mah Purse!: 

lipsticks, gum, watch, business cards, microfiber cloth, nail glue, moleskin, commonplace mini notebook, pens, acrylic markers. 

Strip Bag:

 Pussy wipes, perfume, protein bars/shake, book, nail glue, cash bag, lock, chargers, caffeine supplements, slides, deodorant, cooling towel, hand sanitizer, hand fan

Kink Bag:

Impact toys, vibrator, lube, massage oil, ropes, shears, caffeine gummies, blindfold, oral lube, sweets for aftercare, speaker, metas, tripod for IPhone.

Sleep Bag:

Fully stocked wash bag (toothbrush, floss, toothpaste, hair brush, hair scrubber, aquaphor, exfoliating rag, deodorant stone), sleep mask, book, pajamas, charging box, USB->C+Lightning, water bottle.

Food Bag:

Baguette, honey, quality salt, cheese, apple,

Stainless steel plate+chopsticks+cup, frozen water bottles, protein shake and mixer, tuna packs, grill kit, grill, propane 

Protest Bag:

Water, masks, earplugs, protein bars, heat resistant gloves, *art supplies* supplies, zip ties, sharpie, emergency numbers, trauma kit, ceramic wrap,* directional flashlight *, burn ointment

Tech Bag:

Camera, IPhone, Ipad, camera tripod, iPhone tripod, card reader, jackery battery 

Hanoi Hannah but make it 2025

 AMERICAN CITIZEN YOUR GOVERNMENT HAS ABANDONED YOU

THEY DON’T CARE IF YOU FALL ILL, IF YOU STRUGGLE TO SURVIVE

 DON’T TRUST THEM

THEY HAVE BETRAYED YOU!

YOU ARE NOT SAFE

YOU ARE NOT LIBERATED OR FREE

OUR SHIP IS ABOUT TO SINK

WE ARE FIGHTING THE WRONG WAR

YOU WILL STARVE AND ROT

WHILE THEY HAVE MORE THAN THEY EVER NEED

POOR AMERICANS!

EVERYDAY THEY WATCH YOU STRUGGLE

POOR AMERICANS!

THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU

THEY WANT YOU ALONE AND AFRAID

YOUR GOVERNMENT HAS BETRAYED YOU

THEY KILL THEIR OWN PEOPLE

THEY DO NOT CARE HOW HARD YOU WORK

THEY ARE TOO BUSY ENJOYING THEMSELVES

YOUR LIFE MEANS NOTHING TO THEM

OUR FLAGS WILL FALL DOWN  LIKE DYING BIRDS

FIGHT FOR YOUR FUTURE

Hosting tips : create your own community space

 Make sure there are games/picture books in every sitting situation.

Make sure there is appropriate lighting for every standing/gathering spot (candle trays, lamps, string lights).

Post the emergency protocol (hose locations, fire extinguisher locations, phone numbers, etc). Leaving a public highlight is conviene and accessible.

Water station is visible.

The more speakers and Bluetooth things the better. 

Expect things to be broken/stained/lost: pocketed (when 3rd parties get involved.

If there are valuables you’d rather not lose HIDE/LOCK them!!

Leave written notes for small details to avoid mishaps IE “hold lever down until fully flushed” or “carefully close door” or “shoes kept on/off”. I often have pet rats free roaming in my room so I leave a visible note in eyesight of the door knob. 

Post party details at least 1 month in advance, and every week post a reminder.

To make new guests feel more invited and comfortable, mention the option to bring a plus one.

Spotify group playlist is always a good idea, less fighting over aux.

Have a designated place for jackets, purses, phone chargers. 

Have a designated safe, quiet space for anyone that needs a break from the party. 

AS A GUEST:

Actively practice your manners and etiquette. It is a privilege to be invited into someone’s home or space. Practice the Golden Rule.

Wouldn’t you appreciate it if people gave you a direct heads up on their attendance? 

Wouldn’t you hope people will offer help setting up, bringing ice or cutlery?

Wouldn’t you hope your guest can read the “party is over” cues such as a switch to slow, relaxing music, cleaning up the space, dimming of the lights and such?

Wouldn’t you hope to never spot a cigarette butt somewhere its not supposed to be? But as a host make sure you have ash trays located in varying spots!!!

We deprive ourselves of beautiful moments of meeting people when we don’t practice the awareness and consideration it takes on both ends for healthy human connection to occur. The hospitality and generosity of the host needs to exist, and at the same time, reciprocation of effort from the guest.

I will succeed because I am crazy

    Everything after 18 is full of heavy epiphanies. Every day I feel like I’m drowning in the current of time, everyday slips past me, cold blankets pull over my head at the last hour of light. I'm hanging onto my memories of when my friends and I were all together, sharing time and space. It makes the blanket feel heavier. Now there is only me, on my own, underneath it.

    Believing nothing is going to change for the worse is an active discipline. But discipline has become my weakest point. I keep waiting for things to fall into place, but that’s so far from what I’m supposed to be doing. 

    I’m supposed to be practicing my languages, art, writing, dancing, and instruments. There was a tinge of shame when a date spotted a guitar in the background of a picture and asked what songs I could play and my only response was:

"…the first couple notes of In Dreams".

Sierra Ferrell's tune would fill my throat when I was driving on the 101 to work, picturing my new home in Montana. Her bell toned voice ringing in my head and the snow capped mountains, the autumn showers of gold and red, the Madison river flowing freely. The horses and cows sprinkled across the plains, magpies and larks filling the sky with their delicate songs.

And I succeeded. 

    I am here, in big sky country. I love to say hello to the horses that hang over the fences for a wee bit attention, I love when the flock of larks nest in the tree grove behind my workplace so I can hear their choir from inside. I love all the people with niche hobbies and careers who just want to connect with each other. I love it here. The more people I meet the more motivated I am to pursue my aspirations. If they can do it...I can do it... 

But ever since I moved away, my drive to be out and about has dwindled. I'm back to anxiety during eye contact, questioning how people perceive me, staying inside my rooms for days straight. Just me and my rats rotting in my room. Festering. 

Every night, tossing and rolling over in my bed, sweat dripping from every surface of my skin. I wake up often huffing, panting, crying. My blankets soaked, cold, heavy. I reach out for a hand to hold. But there’s only me.

   I don’t like what I see in the reflection lately, it takes me back to middle school when I was horrified by mirrors. I’ve moved past that before, I know I can do it again. It just takes work. And time.

    I owe so much to my partners, my friends, my chosen family. All the different versions of myself, they loved me through, and I can’t thank them enough. I channel them throughout my day, when I’m practicing mindfulness, grit, passion. They’ve blessed me with their life experiences. 

    So I will use everything I have to succeed. I will keep trying my best everyday. Life can keep hitting me hard. I’ll scream out my sorrows like a maniac and move onto the next day. I’ll scream and kick my way back to the person I’m meant to be.

Finally! Putting pen to paper.

 i wrote this during a bout of insomnia. I find comfort thinking of falling asleep next to the people I love.

(My) Jewel of Los Angeles

Your rays of radiance

The rainbows

That bounce 

Off and around

Surround

A chip, crack, break.

Your light.

Your shadows.

Shine.

Shine.

(My) eyes 

(We) are blessed,

Eternally.

I miss you all.