My hair has been getting noticeably longer, it caught my eye it in some photos recently. But I have not been feeling the growth inside myself as much as I see it on the outside.
I had my first boudoir (nude lol) photoshoot. I left feeling elated, that I had found someone I could enjoy being directed by and admire their vision. By some miracle we came across each other on a fetish website. Had several weeks of online conversation, a meet up at a funky bar, cat cafe, and some other nice and enjoyable outings. Wicked smart guy, but likes to have a bit too much fun.
He's been into kink for a very long time, and I've been looking for a mentor of sorts. He switches his focus from me to the camera like a professional, I never felt a single uncomfortable gaze, touch, or word come out of his mouth. We both enjoy the experience of vulnerability, the feeling of complete stillness the moment before the shutter clicks. I enjoy my body, and I enjoy him enjoying mine. Nothing complicated. There's a mutual understanding from what I can tell (you never know though!) about how we choose to live our lives.
It's been soooo long since I've had to think about my appearance. I have something small to admit.
I felt insecure!
I had to sit and think of the word I was feeling when I noticed some things in the unedited pictures. There was an unpleasant shadow under my chin, my face wasn't symmetrical and looked a teeny bit bloated.
My toned stomach wasn't present like I had hoped, and I kept positioning my damn hands in weird places. My fingers were crooked and awkward, and there was not enough clarity and presence in my eyes.
If there's a next time I'm sure it'll be better than before. I just want to try as hard as I used to, when I was younger and more motivated.
I started to write things I'm "trying" to work on to better myself.
Trying to stop holding back at the gym...
Trying to watch what I eat...
Trying to practice my languages consistently...
Enough trying!!! I must DO!
but uuuuuughhh why is it so hard, I know nothing good comes easy but uuuughhhh....
I just hope when my hair is long, I look and feel like I'm where I want to be. A place I haven't been before.
omg I did it again, hoping is an active discipline !!! Hope is an active discipline!!! cmon Isabella!!!
