la is weird man...11/09/2023

     its been about 6 months since I've last posted or written anything at all. Too much has happened, I've made new friends and lost very close ones, and I've become much more present with myself and everything around me. 

Oh! I just remembered something you all must know...

I lost my iPhone about 3 ish months ago, and on a whim I decided to downgrade. 

Best. Decision. Evuuuurrr.

    I still have a hard time controlling myself with Youtube Shorts (embarrassingly), but I've been able to move the 5-8 hours of screen time over to drums, cleaning my room/house, cooking full meals, reading books, gardening, and some other things too. 

Summary of how I lost it: Malibu beach. In sweatshirt pocket. Goofed around. Hiked back to car. Pocket empty. iPhone Location went boop...boop...then poofed into nothingness. 

    I now have a Jelly 2, which is almost the same size as a business card. I can still download Instagram, Uber, Spotify, anything I want. So it's a challenge to avoid the temptation of downloading when I just wanna lay in bed and say "I'm my period! just for a week!" to justify re-downloading anything

I also get the funniest reactions from people. Starbucks cashiers gawk at how tiny the scan bar is on the app, and coworkers taunt me for how I look on a phone call. But I luv ha and nobody can tear us apart. But her size makes it very easy to lose her, even more so now that I'm not attached to my phone at all. 

  My relationships with my romantic partners and my boyfriend have been going along very well, I've got new tattoos, and also passed my drivers test!

I can't describe what I'm feeling about being able to drive (finally at 19), but I drove here where I am now, at Schatzi's Cafe in Sherman Oaks. Atrocious traffic but I found this very pretty route through the hills! I'm planning to practice a little on the drum set at Guitar Center (they are sick of my ass) and then maybe a library trip. I think I just wanted to get out of the house since I've been cleaning and cleaning and cleaning all the time there. I've also recently recovered from some absolutely wiiiicked food poisoning that had me barfing for a full 24 hours, no solid food for almost 48. I was on the verge of asking for repentance laying in my tiny bed, my hands in prayer over my stomach, but I managed to not lean on God for relief. 

    I think my whole point in the title and opening blogspot was to write some commentary on the current LA culture. I, myself was born and raised in the San Fernando Valley, was given freedom to explore the city at 15, and have seen LA changed so much in such little time. My home with the gold light and crisp wind and beautiful beaches and amazing food has turned into something a bit more bleak and off putting. 

In terms of the art community...after TikTok took over the social media platforms, the art I've been seeing when I'm out and about has changed. Nothing feels original or inspired, I always see the same edgy, digitally created art, made on stickers and ads. I don't see much traditional art, and most of the time...the people who create those things are taking over the other artists who aren't hyper focused on fame. I feel that the driving motivation to create art now is to :

1. go to all the LA parties in the entertainment industry

2. have lots of views/followers

3. get involved with online celebrities.

4. get free stuff

like how fucking lame is that. Am I the lame, old timer boomer bitch? am I the fake one for being all "art is expression and translation and experience"? Like hell I know, but I feel very alone in how I view art. Where's the passion and messy obsession and the sweat and authenticity? I'm still on a crazy bad block, but my desire to grow out of it into something new and stronger excites me every time I think about it. Its hard to get out of this rut without anyone I can call an art twin flame or art soulmate.

This entry is now 1 year old!

I’m about to hit the hay…but I thought I should try writing beforehand. Writing before bed hasn’t stuck yet. I’d really love for it to be an established habit.

It’s been getting rough again lately. I thought I had tomorrow off, but I found out today (by my luck! I’ve been a bad employee lately) that I’ve got a closing shift. I don’t feel time moving as much nowadays.

I’ve agreed to wake up at 6:30 AM to go to a café before my partner has to go to church (yes, I’m dating a guy who goes to church — it’s Montana, what do you expect —  then afterwards I’m meeting a friend at Sidewinders at 11:45 AM. At least I’ll have my breakfast and lunch paid for in one day ;P

Then a wonderful surprise shift at 2…this job at Safeway is getting to be the worst thing ever. I dread walking into that dehumanizing complex and working in a restricted space. If I was jumping around departments I think I could last another couple years with this damn company.

I worry delaying my education at a university is setting me up for a lifetime of dead-end jobs. My boss wears Prada glasses, carries an LV clutch and has a fucking BRONZE Range Rover. Her family gave her 40 acres of land but she turned the offer down (too complicated to explain but I could explain my boss’s lore if you asked). But she is stuck scheduling university students with conflicting classes and serving customers that eat sandwiches straight off the bare fucking tables. But she thinks she keeps her dignity by refusing to wash the dishes. The thought of being in a position like that…shudderssss….

But I only like to do things when they feel right. I don’t feel ready still. I’m mentally and financially preparing for a 50% increase in my rent, and also continuing to save up for a big trip outside the country. I’m not sure if school will come before or after that. I’ve got my eye on a hospitality degree…so perhaps I could study abroad? Not quite sure what my chances are for that. But before ANYTHING!! I must be properly fluent in another language, most likely Spanish since I grew up with a Salvadoran mom.

But during a class last week my teacher made a baffling point as to why I wasn’t progressing as much as I thought I would. She asked if my mom ever graduated high school, and I said she only made it to 8th grade. So essentially I had grown up with a mom who could only speak Spanish at a middle school level of education. I was so stunned, because I blamed myself a lot for how shitty I speak. In the end it was nobody’s fault, and now I feel even more motivated to learn the right way, for the sake of breaking this cycle of illiteracy.

My uncle has been pushing for me to attend flight attendant school; he said I could get a good salary for being bilingual. I could work at a hotel in a beautiful part of Mexico or South America if I can get a grip on myself and stop wasting my precious hours scrolling away online. I’ve been removing social media from my phone and downloading language apps, but I’m still trying to crush the habit of tapping on YouTube or Facebook. I really hate how far I let these assholes rewire my brain to their own selfish benefit. I always think of how much farther ahead in life I would be if I never downloaded Instagram or TikTok. But it is what it is. Es lo que es.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​