2026

 It’s Bella. 

I’m about to head back to LA after my first trip back to Montana after falling out with those girls. Started this trip 11/22/2025 and traveled about 1,700 miles…possibly 27 hours on the road so far…? and still have another 2,000 to go or so. And I looooove my lifestyle at the moment. I could do this for years. I wake up, and stay the hell out of bed !!! A miraculous feat!

Who I am in Los Angeles makes me turn my nose up in slight disgust.

I feel like I’m reuniting with a toxic ex (Los Angeles), waiting until he chews me up and spits me back out.

I’ve lost a lot of faith in myself at this current moment, but have hope I can repair and rebuild. I was just hoping to do that in a more healing and healthy place.

So why the hell am I going back to LA…you would ask…well…

You just got engaged, to an amazing man. 

Now I need to take my husband into account when thinking of my lifetime goals since I have to start from square 1.

I remember, around the same time you met him you were at your lowest low. Beginning of middle school, some new chemicals were flooding through my pubescent brain. Along with generations of trauma and untreated illness. Middle school was about as far as your own mom went, and your academic level nearing the extent of your Dad’s high school education. 

Huge chunks of my life are blacked out. 

But I always had the image of my now husband, walking past the Starbucks right below Portola. As my Dad got his daily coffee, and I got my cup of whip cream to savor, I’d hope I could sneak a peek of someone I felt was special.

Quietly strolling past, head bowed and his face hiding under his hair. My Dad dubbed him “The Flock of Seagulls Boy” after catching me staring at him. For no particular reason, he made my stomach flutter. And then I got in closer proximity to him in high school, since we had both joined the track team.

High school was rough. 

Lots of bathroom breaks to cry, hiding inside sweatshirts in the hallway, and that developed into sticking pins in my hands and burning my arms and legs to manifest the mental pain, physically.

Right now I am dreading going back to the house where lots of unpleasant memories were made. The same way in middle school and early high school, I’d silently cry when I left someplace I felt at peace. Wishing I could spend another hour with a friend or another hour at track practice. Wishing I didn’t have to walk through that damn gate. I am now expecting to spend hours alone in my car shedding tears, expecting my body and brain to shut off once again.

I think what got you through this time and time again, was an alternate persona you kept alive through writing. Who she was and what she did, what she looked like. It gave me hope one day I could be more like her.

And now I realize I imagined who I am today. Plastered in tattoos, working in the sex industry with pride, and traveling as I please. 

Maybe something in my mind will settle if I put into words where I hope to be down the line.

I’m coming back to Quentin in about a week. I don't plan on leaving for another trip until March. So for the next 2 or so months I will be working at the club consistently, managing and documenting my income and prioritizing my savings so by 2027 I will have the funds for a deposit, a couple months of rent, a budget for household necessities, and hopefully a trip to Japan for Quentin’s graduation. Calculating those numbers will be a priority and collaboration with the fiance.

He is planning to attend school during the summer, so I should too. He will graduate Spring 2027, and we hope to move to Montana by Summer 2027.  I will be enrolled in either general credit classes online at SMC or re-enroll for the NREMT. 

I will not owe my Dad anything by 2027. I will not have a credit card bill exceeding 20% of my limit. Besides stripping I will have income from reselling erotica, my personal assistant service, and any other work I can pick up. 

You will earn back the $400 for the meta glasses, the $1,200 for the iPad, and $1000 for the iPhone, before you consider any other large purchases.

I will not touch my hair. I will let it grow until I get to see for the first time in a decade what I look like with completely natural hair. And no more tattoos. No piercings. The only money I should plan to spend is on bare necessities, charity, and future living expenses.

I will be putting in as much effort Quentin does in physical fitness. My priority will be flexibility. I will put more effort into my diet, to not put off meals and drink more water. I wish to regain my muscle definition. No more wake and bakes, no constant huffing on a wax pen. No using liquor to loosen up.

My days start with worship, a meal, Shaolin exercise, and a study session of a language. You don't touch any screens besides your dumb phone unless its to work on writing, studying, editing, or art. Books are your priority. I need to read like my life depends on it.