God Give ME A SIGN!!

 Hi there all...

It's been irresponsibly long since the last time I touched my blog. I think what finally drew me back is a person that snapped me back into reality.

Won't give a name ofc but lets call him Tall Guy.

Tall Guy does lots of drugs. 

LSD. Cannabis. Shrooms. Molly. 

ya know! the stuff that people normally don't mind. I used to not mind, I love two out of three of those things. But I haven't met a person who actively abuses substances ( I think ever??), has admitted it and doesn't care to find something outside of drugs for comfort. He needs it in the morning and at night, before/during/after work, with friends and alone. And he would whine he's poor. 

like hunni.....

But my goodness, does it add NOTHING to his life. From my experiences it changed all the worst parts of me into things that progressed my personality. But I only try to depend on it when I need a push for a change of habits or to better my mood.

I think what I saw was someone who refused to live in the present, and tried everything they could to not feel time pass as well. He barely existed. The life he was given, and his potential is slowly being spent away.

Most of the time I spent around him was spent pitying him. The day I decided to cut him off I thought Id do a little prayer for him. And then removed him off all my social media. 

I used to pray a decent amount not too long ago. I started it during my 3rd shroom trip on a trip in Santa Cruz with a beloved partner. After that I wanted to incorporate that habit into my life way more. But I didn't know anyone who did it the way I wanted to do it, so it sorta faded from my mind. I try to pray for my friends wellbeing as often as I can, but I rarely ever prayed for myself during those times.

I'm going to try to pray before bed, but I want to also extend the habit to before work, before the gym, before meals even??? But mostly moments where I feel like I've lost touch with the living world and myself. I don't want to exist in such a sad way anymore. I've seen it enough to know I'm not willing to live that way. But is the way I want to live the best way? 

I worry that taxidermy won't serve me well, and if not taxidermy...then what? The hospitality industry seems alluring, the luxury side of that industry at least. But at this point with my original plan to attend a taxidermy school that closed makes me feel like God is telling me something...

I zon't fucking know mannnn but we will see I suppose!